Originally posted on Mother’s Day in the U.K.
Hopeless in Liverpool.
Today has been hard , Mother’s Day always is .
The older you get you definitely feel different about things and I am having real problems keeping my feelings in without unboxing a huge box of crazy .
Living with ME is life changing and if you have read any of my previous posts then you hopefully have a real view of how it affects sufferers .
For a long time now I have had this idea in my head for a big 40th , a chance to catch up with all my friends and relatives that I haven’t seen for a long time . I dreamt of a masquerade ball , a breathtaking venue , catering by my favourite restaurant, a band keeping all my guests dancing and then a Dj to play tunes from the 90s and 00s for a mini rave .
I have it all planned in my head .
Then reality hit !
My dream venue is now a church social club and my family & friends well half of them won’t be there .
I wanted to cancel the whole thing today .
I feel like the most hated person in the world and it is all because of an ongoing fight with my sister . I understand that Sisters are supposed to be close and if I am honest I feel angry and cheated that I don’t have that . I never had , I always felt like I was only ever wanted when she wanted something from me . Rather than unite against the parents like most siblings , we fought with each other for attention from our parents .
Granted I wasn’t the easiest person to live with but aren’t your parents supposed to love you unconditionally ? I can honestly say that I always felt like I was a huge letdown , the one people warned others about . I didn’t feel like I fitted anywhere.
I always felt like I had to do things or be something else to be accepted. Which led to something I will never be able to forget or forgive myself for .
I had no self esteem .
I came across as cocky and full of myself but it was because I had built my walls so high so no one would ever hurt me again.
You never know why someone is or does the things that they do . You never know what has happened in their life to make them behave the way they do .
So I built my walls higher and higher . Then in senior school things got a lot worse . I was bullied really badly and days got really dark.
I couldn’t talk to anyone , I couldn’t face going into school. So I made friends outside of a school . It got so bad that I would avoid going certain routes or I would walk up to the next block of shops because I was absolutely terrified that I was going to beat up. Even in class one of these bullies sat behind me and would pull my hair .
I couldn’t talk to anyone.
One of the worst memories I have as a child is my Dad packing his bag and going to work away because he was needed down south or Wales .
There were happy times but the hurt and the loneliness is what I remember most .
The hurt is so bad that in all the time that has passed since my Mum died I have been to her grave less than 5 times ! That pain and anger won’t let me .
I am messed up , I’m absolutely messed up and if you walked a day in my shoes then you would be too .
This latest argument with My Sister has made me lose it big time .
I live by few rules but one thing I despise is people getting involved in arguments that they know nothing about . If you hear about an argument from someone you hear that side !!! You don’t know what caused it , you no nothing other than what that person wants you to know !!! So being ignored by other people who had no involvement or have involved themselves makes me very angry . If I thought a friend or family member was upset or behaving in a way different to normal then you ask if they are ok . Deleting them , blocking them , cutting all ties with them to me is unforgivable.
Being ignored is hard . Really hard and I am not handling it well .
I hate feeling like I don’t belong , that I am not worthy of them .
Every day in life I don’t feel good enough, I feel literally like a waste of space .
I thought for so long about this party . I have idealised the whole night .It gave me hope , it gave me something to strive for .
Surely after all I have been through and everything I go through every day of my life that I deserved just one special night , a night to reunite with my old life . I just wanted to be me , not me now but the old me . I wanted to dance the night away , I wanted my feet to hurt from wearing high heals and dancing all night , not because of my ME !
I wanted to see my friends & family laughing and having the best time .
When every day is spent in darkness with no one to talk to , no noise and constant pain surely even I deserve to have my dream come true .
All I wanted was a breathtaking venue , live music with a bit of a rave thrown in , good food and a room filled with the people I love .
I have to point out that I do not write for attention, I write from the heart exactly what I feel with no filter .
I get a lot of criticism for sharing but the people I share with on FB and twitter are friends . I write in the hope that someone out there reads this and finds it resonates with them .
I promise to all my family & friends that I am always here if you need someone to talk to x x