From Jan 2016
Social Anxiety
I fear criticism for writing this post , here goes anyway …..
Last night I attended a Fancy dress party for my Brother in Law , so a place filed with friends & family .
All week I was not going to attend but I changed my mind at the last minute and went out to get an outfit .
I try to pace myself as do many others , to enable us to get out and have normal experiences . So all week I had worked really hard to relax and put no pressure on myself in the off chance that if I decided to go , that I would have rested enough .
If you don’t suffer from a Chronic illness unfortunately I can’t explain it to you . So I expect a lot of you will be saying ” it’s just tiredness ” or “I am sure if you really wanted to , then you could “. I don’t want to come across as me being a knob , it is just really hard to explain .
So all day I rested up , I left it as late as I could to start getting ready . My makeover to becoming Madonna ha ha . I had bought the outfit from Lili Bazarre in Liverpool, the one she wears in Desperately seeking Susan , even used blue eyeshadow to go with the 80s theme . So with my hubby dressed as a Scouser in a shell suit we set off . More than anything I wanted to walk in unaided but I fear that was my biggest mistake , the pain hit me like a brick wall , I started to feel dizzy , sweating like never before , so I took myself off to the toilet to try and compose myself . That’s when this crippling fear started , I have had panic attacks before so I know what they feel like but this was a genuine fear of talking to people . So here I am stuck in a toilet cubicle , while my own family is outside the toilet door talking normally , no idea that I have tears running down my face and wanting more than anything to be a million miles away and not feeling like this . I have always been confident but I think since taking ill the little things which you took for granted really don’t feel like they will ever be reachable again . I could walk into a pub or club on my own , never thought anything of it .
I think what made last night such a big thing was how excited my daughter and hubby were . My daughter has gone out and bought her outfit and we had sorted out an appointment for her to have her make up done professionally . She was so excited , her choice of dress up …Harley Quinn from Batman . She is a bit of a geek when it comes to superheroes . My hubby had very much followed my lead but just before we got out of the car he said , I just want tonight to be a laugh .
I know this illness is hard on the family .
It does seem to be getting worse , I am really struggling to see a way out . The light at the end of the tunnel , the little achievement that we are supposed to praise ourselves for .
I don’t care what anyone says , making a cup of tea is not an achievement to me .
Anyway , I managed to make it out to my car and got my walking stick . I did manage to say a few Hellos but not a lot . I decided to let my Hubby say our Hellos and I took a seat with my daughter and my gorgeous baby cousin near the stage . It didn’t matter to me that they kept going off and dancing , they were having fun and a few people came over to say Hi but I must be the most boring person to speak to . I hate the question ” How are you , how have you been ?” What do you say ? You can’t answer it truthfully . It’s always worse when someone doesn’t know that you are ill and I really don’t want to have that conversation at a party .
So I went and sat out in my car , Yes it was absolutely freezing but it gave me a chance to take my medication and try and compose myself , the longer I was out of the party the harder it became to go back in . At 11:20 I text my Dad ( he always has his phone to hand ) to tell him to tell Hubby I was outside in the car . Hubby hasn’t seen the family for a long time and really wanted to stay so I told him I would take the little one home at midnight and he was the free to go on and party with the rest of the family . Madam didn’t come out till 12:25 and that was fine . We drove home and after taking all her make up off she went to bed after tucking me in . Hubby got home 4:30 ish , a little worst for wear .
Today I feel like I have sky jumped out of a plane without a parachute . The thing is I know people don’t want to hear this , no doubt some will think even less of me . That is their right . I can’t change people’s perceptions of me or this illness . I know more than ever now that it is time to stop pushing against this illness . I know I need to use my wheelchair at all times . I am not the person I was , honestly I hate the person I have become . She is unrecognisable to me .
To everyone who took time out to come and say Hello Thankyou X To the amazing Val who witnessed my choking episode , sorry X . To all my family and friends that I didn’t get the chance to speak to , I really am sorry X
I tried to slip away as discreetly as I could without fuss or causing any discomfort to anyone .
I hate this illness !!
