It’s been weeks in the making. The day has appeared close only for a down turn which moved this day further away. That’s what makes the disappointment so bad.
What could possibly take that much planning, what was so big in my life that it has been rearranged, put off time and time again.
Unless you have a understanding of Chronic illness this will seem a stretch or bs but I can assure you that this is normal in our lives.
Let me go back to last October , so October 2017. Rebecca and I were in my bed figuring out how much money we would be putting away with Park. Just for clarification if you aren’t familiar with Park, Park is a Christmas savings club. Each month for the past few years I have been putting an order in for vouchers for the following Christmas and paying it via Direct Debit. We decided on what vouchers we wanted and of course this meant talking about Christmas, don’t forget we hadn’t even got that years Christmas out of the way. One thing and another had led me to do almost everything online as I just couldn’t make it out of the bed let alone out of the house. We started hoping all the way back then that next years Christmas would be better.
With my health declining more each year and my mobility suffering we didn’t think we would be able to do it but we didn’t give up hope. So this Morning Tuesday 16th October 2018 at 7:30 Am I shouted up the stairs for Becks to get ready , we were having a Mummy & Baby day. I think she jumped out of the bed and shouted really ? I told her I just needed to jump into the shower and then we would set off.
We left the house at 8:45 and my plan was to go straight to Costa Coffee then Primark before all the crowds as that shop is a nightmare in a wheelchair. It’s ridiculous the sorts of things you miss so to start the day I wanted a Chesse & Ham Toastie , it didn’t disappoint. Becks sat down to a croissant as well as a Hot Chocolate with cream & marshmallows . So we were off to a good start. The Costa we went to was the corner of Lord Street. If you don’t know Liverpool then you probably won’t know that the streets are on slightly different gradients , so for us to get to Primark we were walking on a slight increase. It’s nothing huge but in a wheelchair you can really feel it. It levels off at the bottom of Church st & Lord st but you then encounter a slight drop in gradient if you walk on the right side of the shopping area. When I first went into Liverpool in my first wheelchair which was a self propelled chair I broke a finger trying to stop the chair from rolling on the slight hill.
Nothing special in Primark , we got a few basics and headed back down towards Liverpool One. Now I couldn’t go into town without going to Lush , as I have so many sensitivities I have to use as many pure or natural products as possible. Due to having De Quervains Syndrome I have to wear hand splints all of the time which combined with my OCD of constant hand washings leaves my hands in a bit of a state. If you can tell someone’s age from their hands I dread to think what impression I give. Now this is the first thing that really annoyed me. As you get to Lush there is a slight hump which probably goes unnoticed by many but for a 18 year old who is a tiny size pushing my hump around , well then the hump becomes a problem. This means I had to get out of the chair and use the chair for support while I walked.
Here goes if you are a business owner of any kind please be aware that your shoppers are not all on 2 legs, we have Mums with Prams, wheelchair users like myself and motorised scooters . Not all shoppers are a standard size and walking into a shop where you feel uncomfortable isn’t nice.
So we went into Lush , saw the Snow Fairy shower gel as soon as we walked in. Now Snow Fairy shower gel is a family tradition in our house and as soon as it hits the shops we buy a big bottle. It’s something we have done since Becks was younger and smelt it in a box of Lush products that I had got as a Christmas gift. So Snow Fairy is in the bag and I knew that I wanted to get the Sleepy moisturiser as it is great for my dry , old lady hands. All is fine until you go towards the back of the shop that’s where it started to really annoy me. I had saved all year for this , I wanted to be able to remind Becks about things she used when she was little but getting around and navigating that small space was impossible. Especially when other people are looking at you walking behind the chair you are supposed to be sat in, but there was no way Becks was able to manoeuvre the chair back there. So we went in got what we came for and then left. I wasn’t happy at this stage.
My darling Hubby was at home nursing one hell of a hangover so as we passed the Millie’s Cookie counter in Liverpool One I decided to get a box of cookies . Surely carbs and sugar would help him feel a little brighter. The cash desk was raised which is another pain for wheelchair users or people who aren’t of an average height. This meant Becks had to use my card to make the payment , surely in 2018 that should be something I can do for myself.
Disney shop next , Disney is a necessity in our house unless your name is Graham. All fine walking in , we were greeted by a cast member telling us the latest offers. Front of the shop great but if you are to walk down an aisle where someone is already there you have no way of passing them. This led to me standing at the back of the shop while Becks had a little look around. Now I was willing to splurge on her in the Disney shop because she loves Disney. She has almost every single stuffed toy that has been made since she had been born. I’m happy for her life to be filled with Disney when she has such a tough time when it comes to me. We ended up getting some of these cute things called little big feet , they were only small and on offer at 3 for £12. So we now have to find homes for a Stitch, Winnie the Pooh and my favourite Eeyore. Yes this store was a little easier to navigate but still not good enough.
Next stop was the thing I had been looking forward to the most, Debenhams. As soon as the Christmas range was uploaded to the website we had picked out lots of new bits we wanted. Most importantly they had a teal and silver bauble set , I was thrilled to see so many Duck egg blue coloured items and we had it all thought out. Teal & Silver for the Kitchen Christmas tree . For the family room we were going to add bronze to our existing brown and gold baubles , this being a perfect match against the Orange curtains and cushions. So we get into the lift and head to the home wear department, now by this time we had a large Primark bag on the back of the wheelchair as well as a Lush bag so we were carrying a little extra width. I get annoyed thinking of this. Even if I was to drop half of my body weight , have no bags on the back of the wheelchair as well as reducing the width of the chair by half , I still wouldn’t have fitted down the aisles. I have included a picture of Rebecca who is a size 8 in the aisle.
Yes I could have called a Manager over but in 2018 I shouldn’t have to. Any body in this world regardless of their difference to the average person , should be able to walk anywhere and have their needs met without them having to instigate it. So all those nights when she crawled in for a gab where we planned our little day out had been ruined. Now chances are you are thinking “you can go again “, yet if you have a chronic illness then you already know that realistically I am not going to get another day where I am well enough to go out and spend a few hours shopping with my daughter for something we had been thinking about for 12 months. The pain is already so bad that I am typing this blog post at 04:12 am as the pain is so bad that I have to try and do something to take my mind off of it. I know that the next few days and weeks I will suffer from post exertion malaise from this morning.
All I wanted was a happy anxiety free couple of hours with my Baby Girl. We are all equal , aren’t we?