I dream of one day owning a small farmhouse in Italy .
An idyllic little place with a wrap around porch which looks out across olive trees , dog running around or sitting at my feet sat outside in the early evening taking in the smells of lavender which carry on the breeze. No neighbor for miles just trees as far as you can see . A place to grow our own fruit & veg , a trip down the road gives us all the freshest meat cuts we want . Herbs grown on our patio .
Outside cooking on the grill , sage burning to keep the mosquitos away . Music on low in the background as I read my book in my rocking chair .
No screams of people coming home still excited after a night out . No kids banging on your door . No screeching from playing on a trampoline or idiots pulling up outside at 3am with music blaring and banging every door until you are awake .
My place of solitude . My chance to really recharge & recover , a place where everything stops . No feeling that I don’t fit in anymore . No trying to be who or what you once where . No more feeling that I don’t matter to anyone or feelings of rejection as your life doesn’t fit into their lives . I have changed . The things that once impressed no longer raise a smile . Happiness once archived by social interaction is now feelings of peace , inner calm .
It wasn’t really fun in the past anyway. It was accepted, feeding toxins into your body as it screamed for you to stop . That next day wasted from the turning over of your stomach . The taste of death in your mouth . Black vomit which made you feel sick again but worrying now because it’s black , yet too tired to care enough to do anything .
All the worries of why . Why doesn’t anyone ring me . Why do I worry about sending birthday cards to people who don’t send them to me . Wanting a real friend in your life , someone to talk to . Someone who won’t judge . Being able to speak my truth honestly. Someone I can tell exactly how things felt to me , how they still feel to me . How much it hurt . How much I wanted to hurt myself . Not wanting to wake up . Never feeling safe . Home never being what it appeared to be from the outside . Jumping from relationship to relationship wanting to feel secure . Desperately wanting someone to tell me it was going to be ok . Yet the one person who I needed to hear those words from feeling trapped and unsure of what to do for the best , so just burrying their head . Going to work , coming home , sleep & repeat never stopping to see just what was going on . Looking yet never seeing or hearing what was being told to them daily .
I know that I am not the only one in this world who feels like this.
So if you want to talk to someone who will really hear what you say , I am here X