Hi and welcome to my Blog, I’m Alisha and I suffer from Severe ME. My ME is so severe that I am completely bedridden and reliant on my Husband and Daughter to care for me, I talk about Myalgic Encephalomyelitis all of the time, so let’s shine the spotlight on OCD or Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
I didn’t start having these feeling of anxiety and panic until I had my Daughter , I suppose all new parents are full of fear and anxiety but this was making me do and feel some silly things. Take flying, for instance, I never feared flying until that feeling that I had something special to lose. I even sent my Dad a text just before I got on a flight giving him instructions for what to do in the event that I didn’t make it. I had a lot of these irrational thoughts.
Throughout the day you will always see me twisting my ring, then taking a cloth or whatever item of clothing that I am wearing. I will then polish my wedding and engagement rings. I will then do it again in case I didn’t do it right the first time. Yet I know I did it the first time. Now on top of the irrational need that I have to do it, I also insist on doing it every time after I wash my hands.
Yep I got the hand washing one too. I have had to go to my Dr several times because my hands are so swollen , cracked and bleeding from washing them so many times , continuously . If my hands don’t smell clean then I will wash them again. If the towel that I dried them on smells a little, then I go back to washing them, while someone gets a clean fresh towel.
The smell is a big one too, if something smells bad then I can’t eat or drink from it. (Sorry I had to stop again to wipe my rings for the 4th time and I’m nowhere near done. ) The smell makes me open brand new milk whenever I have cereal. Just can’t do 2-day old milk. In the past few years the smell thing has stepped up, now I cant even take a plate out of the cupboard and use it, I have to rinse it thoroughly with scorching hot water, the same goes for cups, cutlery, bowls.
Am I alone in this type of behaviour ? Is it something other ME sufferers have?
Looking online I have found www.nhs.ukOCD to be very helpful in identifying the symptoms then offering help and support. The information below is taken from their website.
Obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) is a common mental health condition where a person has obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviours.
www.nhs.uk
According to the NHS website NHS OCD
- An obsession is an unwanted and unpleasant thought, image or urge that repeatedly enters your mind, causing feelings of anxiety, disgust or unease.
- A compulsion is a repetitive behaviour or mental act that you feel you need to do to temporarily relieve the unpleasant feelings brought on by the obsessive thought.
If I am ever up to get my drink before bed , things are already off to a bad start. I have to check each gas knob on our hob in turn to check that they are off, I will then check them again just in case I somehow nudged one while I was checking a different one. I will do this over and over, just checking each one, then rechecking just in case they were somehow, someway moved.
Leaving the house together is always really tough, I will send Becks up to the top floor to check all of the windows are closed and that the plugs are out. I will ask Hubby to check them on our floor and then I will swap them around so that Hubby checks after Becks and Becks checks after Hubby checked. ( I can’t get up to the top floor ) . When we finally do leave the house, I will ask one of them to walk around the back of the house, just to check again that all of the windows are closed.
It is always worse when I am tired or really anxious, I find that this exasperates everything. Leaving the car involves walking around the car to check that the central locking did its job and that all the doors, as well as the boot, are locked. After we leave the car I will then send someone back to check that they haven’t magically unlocked. I know it is silly and a ha ha time looking from the outside in, but it really does impact lives all over the world, it impacts my life. I find that anxiety affects my tiredness levels a lot, this also leads to more pain.
So when I do finally leave the house and manage to leave the car, it’s then my bag !. If my phone is in my bag then I will check it excessively, just in case it jumped out on its own accord. I will even go about with my hand inside my bag so that I can feel my phone and keys. After all, I could have a hole at the bottom of my bag, somehow. Whatever is in my bag is constantly checked on and I don’t mean once every ten minutes, I do a check and then a second check just in case I missed something the first time.
I can’t stop it and I can’t control it, I have tried. While anxiety, panic attacks and OCD are now a part of my life, it’s a part I hate, I’m a control freak. Relying on someone else or not being in complete control of my circumstances and surrounding area can lead to real emotions, it doesn’t end well for me.
I have learnt that anything that increases my heart rate absolutely takes all my energy, not exactly what you need with ME. The use of more mental and physical energy will most times inevitably lead to a crash.
I try to ensure that anyone who reads my posts and identifies with me feels comfortable enough to contact me. I absolutely do mean it when I say that I am here for you. Even if you have just read this and felt relief that this doesn’t happen to you, I am here for you too.
Life with Myalgic Encephalomyelitis is lonely, If you need a friend or someone to talk to, I’m here. Thank you for all of the love and support, Love always, Alisha 😘
