I can’t make sense of it …..
I don’t have anyone who I can talk to so writing it all down helps.
I am finding every day a real struggle at the minute. My health is not great which adds to it all .
I know I won’t be the only person in the world to feel like this and to be totally blunt I absolutely feel like the loneliest person in the world right now .
I feel so much anger I could scream .
I feel like putting this down will help people realise that what they are being told is not the truth .
In my life I have my Husband, My Daughter, My Dad , My Mother in law , Michelle Green , My Hairdresser and one of my closest friends Phil .
I have a few people I speak to occasionally and who ask after me but the people above are the only people I regularly speak to , normally it is text messages or on twitter .
I have dear friends who ask how I am and I know if I picked up the phone they are there for me . In all honesty I find speaking face to face or over the phone very difficult now .
I do not speak about other people . Nobody else knows or has contact with me . I am saying this because I know that people are asked how I am and yet the person they are asking has absolutely no clue . Unless you speak to My Husband, My Daughter , Michelle , Phil and My Mother in law then asking about me or having a conversation about me is pointless , it’s not relevant .
I am being told that I have got problems , I am a horrible person , that I am talking about people or the one that really hurts is that I am being talked about based on experience a very long time ago .
Every single day for me is the same . Pain Exhaustion. On a good day I will try and do something with my family . Even on a good day I am not talking to anyone other than the people I mentioned above .
So if someone is being crass enough to tell you that I am a Crank then I can firstly assure you I am not and secondly I need to point out again the only people I speak to .
In a heated discussion yesterday I got asked “What tablets are you on ?” this conversation was with someone who has no idea about who I am and they have never taken the time to find out . The heated conversation and me not being able to talk properly through the tears hurt , it hurt because another persons opinion of me is leading them to pose such a horrible question.
Someone really hurt me recently by deleting me from Facebook after I made a comment ( about something which did not involve them in any way ) yes I was upset at the time so I asked them why . This person did not ask if I was ok or what was going on , yet this has now built into something from nothing .
I feel like I am on a roundabout that I can’t get off .
The people in my life now all know me and they know about my illness and how it affects me. They are there for me as I am for them . Guess what not one of the people in my life has a bad word to say about me . Yet people from my past seem to enjoy talking about me and try to gain favour from others by dragging my name down .
If I had the strength I would pack a bag and leave everything behind . Hearing things that are being said and being ostracised from peoples lives because they are being fed lies and vile assumptions breaks me . Not just for me but for my Daughter. Knowing she is missing out on things makes me feel like a failure and that she would be better off without me .
I can’t fight no more . The fight for my health takes enough out of me and leaves nothing left but a shell of the person I was .
So all I have left to say is this . If someone tells you something about me or gives an opinion of something I have said or done ask them when they last spoke to me or spent time with me .
Just remember there are two sides to every single story and if something does not have anything to do with you personally then you have no entitlement to judge .
Unless someone does something to me personally then it has absolutely nothing to do with me .
You do not know the whole story unless it happened to you or you witnessed everything.
I’m going to try and rest now .
I just wanted to get my side out there and hopefully make people think .