Loss at Christmas
I have to write all of this down .
This Christmas has been awful , Christmas kills me every single year. I go over and above to make it a big day but it is a date I dread.
I had another death in the family a few days before Christmas, My Mums Uncle and it hurt. Not for me but because My Great Aunt has to be one of the most amazing ladies I have ever had the pleasure of loving. This lady has been with me for every event in my lifetime, wedding , birth, christening and even though she is going through so much herself she even made it to my 40th. So a funeral to start the new year is a tough pill to swallow and no matter how I am on the day I will do all I can to be there for her and My Family.
Apology
I have been quiet over the holidays and I apologise for that. My Husband works in retail and he isn’t a big Christmas person , Christmas to him is long hours and stress. What with working till 8am – 8pm on the run up and making him paint the house he was absolutely exhausted, he had nothing left and it’s not like he gets a break. He gets Christmas Day off and it’s straight back in on Boxing Day for the sale.
On top of the ME my health took a kicking over this holiday. I had promised Rebecca that we would go into Liverpool city centre as I needed to go to Debenhams , which we did and I was as quick as I possibly could to get in and out. You try finding any Christmas cheer in Primark a week before Christmas, it was like hell! Everyone seemed to need a lift so the queues alone were 15 people deep and lots of pram. I have nothing about other people using a lift it was just an impossible situation , you can’t get on the escalator with a wheelchair or pram so the only option is the Lift . Not Fun!
I needed to rest up after that but we still needed to put up decorations and trees. I do go a bit over board at Christmas, this year I even added another Tree. The new tree is beautiful, it’s a real tree which is still growing so we will be able to put it in the garden and decorate it aside the front door each year. I also wanted garlands all around the door with warm white fairy lights entwined throughout. With the fresh wreath and our real tree, the garland just topped it off and it looks beautiful. It wiped me out but it looks beautiful.
It begins
The night of the 23rd I had to pick up the Turkey from M&S , we always have My Mother in law for Christmas Dinner but I knew this year my health was a lot worse so good old M&S rescued me. I order a huge Turkey, piece of beef and the Vegetable selection which is all ready to put into the oven . Its a god send. I do add to it as my family love Carrot & Turnip ( if you are not from the UK turnip is called Swede) I also normally do Parsnips in Honey but this year I just couldn’t do it.
Our Starter has just been getting easier to do every year and I try to include something Italian into the meal ( I was married in Rome and love everything about Italy) . I lay out a huge chopping board with Parma Ham , prosciutto, Italian Salami , Piccolo Tomatoes on the vine and bread sticks . It couldn’t get any easier . We don’t ever really get to dessert as we are stuffed from the 8 vegetables and 2 meats, elastic waist is a prerequisite to dinner at our house.
I done all I could to go all out , I bought a curtain of warm fairy lights to go over our French doors. The tree was decorated beautifully in Silver and White decorations which the dog loved to take off the tree and run away as quickly as he could or hide under the table so all you could see was his big brown eyes looking up , can’t resist the puppy dog eyes he is just too cute. Out Christmas table had a White Tablecloth with a red runner, silver chargers and big red tulle bows tied behind each chair . Our centre piece is made up of big chunky silver candlesticks holding big red church candles, silver mini Christmas trees and a beautiful White House which is illuminated from the inside with a tea light.
With the 23rd being a late one for me the pain level was high and I couldn’t sleep, after only 4 hours sleep I had to take my Hubby to Prescot train station as the train he needs does not run on a Sunday. So Christmas Eve became my nightmare, we get to the station with plenty of time to spare to the notice of cancellation of all trains!!!! . As Grahams colleague gets that same train I had to travel to another train station to pick him up and then drive from Huyton to Wigan, not happy to say the least. .
I messed up because every year I will get up early to go to a 24 hour store to pick up anything we have forgotten, as the 24th was a Sunday shops didn’t open until 10 or 11 depending on the licence the store has. So from Wigan I had to travel back home to pick my daughter up and aimed to be back home with the kettle on in about 45 minutes. The whole thing took 4 hours 30 minutes. It hurt everywhere and I have to state honestly that people do not care if you are in a wheelchair. The shops have no concept of space needed to get up and down aisles. It’s a joke and I have volunteered myself to show them with none taking me up on the offer. So by the time I got home I was absolutely broken. The dream of making gingerbread men and gingerbread houses while sat at the dinner table with just my daughter and I were destroyed. On top of that I still had to rest because how else would my Hubby get home. Luckily they put one train on , thank god.
Christmas Eve
So with Hubby Home we had the ability to carry on with our Christmas Eve tradition, a Chinese takeaway on the floor in our family room watching TV, bliss. My Daughter started her own Christmas Eve tradition a few years back , every Christmas Eve when she was little we allowed her to open one present, a present we had selected of course. It was always new pyjamas. So a few years ago she came home with matching Pyjamas for me and her , it just stuck. We have so many family traditions like our nativity set which I bought the year she was born , it is painted so delicately and it is one of my favourite item. When she was little she would always place baby Jesus front and centre, they are only roughly an inch high so it’s not big brash or garish. It must be well made to still be going 17 years later.
Christmas morning for the first time ever Rebecca woke us, we gave Rebecca the nick name of baby bed when she was very small because she would always go to bed when she was told , she loved her story or bath night , story then bed. She would walk up the stairs get into bed and by the time you closed the curtains she would be asleep. This perfect little girl would sleep through anything , so Christmas morning was always us waking her with shouts of ” He’s Been , He’s Been, ”
So 6 am we were up to open presents , no joke this year our dog had the most gifts! We had a little nap after presents as we had family coming around at 11 which was nice. Then 4 o’clock ish for Dinner , it was probably the worst meal I have ever made . It wasn’t helped by the fact that after sharpening my knife I proceeded to slice the top of my finger, lots of blood and another injury. I really shouldn’t be allowed near sharp objects!
Spoonie Squad
I am going to do all I can to make so many positive changes in 2018 , starting with reading my emails and messages which I just haven’t been able to do . It’s been a tough one so please bear with me.
I will do all I set out to do , I promise you that.
I hope that you all had a wonderful Christmas, I’m looking forward to getting over this pain and moving forward.
Christmas can be a wonderful time but it can also give people time to reflect and with conditions like ours that can be really hard. I know how difficult it is to feel like you are living life on the outside, families and friends that we were close to in the past feel distant , strained , none existent even. I know I feel like that and I have a large family .
If any of you are feeling lonely then call me , I will try to answer or I will call you back. I once had a phone that would light up all Christmas Day with messages of love from friends and family this year the only call I got over Christmas has been from my Dad. That’s hard to take , really hard to take . It creates tension, divisions, maybe we are the ones that need to overlook those feelings. Communication is essential and we must remember that . While it is easy to curl up in pain and forget the world exists because it feels like we are alone , I think we all know that we are not x
Give yourselves a huge pat on the back for getting through it and look forward to the adventure of a New year x
I love you all and I want to hear from you , tell me your Christmas stories good and bad. What do you have planned for New Year ? What are you hoping 2018 will bring ?
2018 is going to be the year of The Spoonie Squad x x