So low ….
I tried to do something good this week .
In trying to do good in the community I live in , I have never felt more of an outsider .
As you know from my previous posts I try and get involved in as much fundraising as my health allows . I firmly believe that if I have this god awful illness that has taken so much from me , well it all has to be for a reason . I can not have lost my independence , my social life , my identity and the lifestyle we had so that each day amounts to nothing ! It’s not like I can go out and get some fresh air on my own , or an afternoon shopping for something nice for myself .
My bed , my room , my home is now my prison . My days are filled with nothing until the family return from school and work . Those minutes and hours are an absolute waste of a life . If you took an animal to see the vet in severe pain and it couldn’t walk or clean itself , it couldn’t get its own food ,then without a doubt the vet would in the majority of cases recommend euthanasia .
It rings in my head all the time about being aware , that you have absolutely no idea what is happening in another persons life . Yet we still live in a world that people either to boost their own image or join in to try and fit in , feel that it is ok to destroy another persons image or reputation . Why do we feel it is ok to push into others our opinion of someone else . Take celebrity as an example , why do we feel it is ok to spread rumour or gossip. Why do we feel ok to say someone is too fat or thin , or comment on their dress sense , describe them in such derogatory terms as slut , whore , slag , man whore or that they are dirty . We describe others as being talentless when our lives are soaps and an early night .
Why do we think our opinion is always right . One person says a person is talented , while another says talentless . Who is right ? Is it a pointless discussion because it is only an opinion.
This week I tried to make a difference in my town . Now even though I don’t see friends or family as often as I would like to, I still know they are always there for me . I have spent a lot of years building up my lists of contacts and it really is something I am very proud of . Knowing that I could still pick up the phone to the majority and ask for help , I think speaks volumes about me as a person . So in trying to make this change I always knew I had a team behind me , I would only have to ask .
This week I have been told that I have no people skills . That I was not willing to work with others . That I was playing the victim . That I was egotistical , controlling . That I was keeping the community at arms length, how I am unprofessional , make mountains out of molehills , that I am unsure , vulnerable and need constant reassuring.
Not one of those comments was made by someone who knows me .
If I noticed that a spelling mistake was in the local newspaper , I would not comment online about the reporter hasn’t got a clue or advise him what he needed to make sure it didn’t happen again . He is still a local reporter trying to do a role . He still needs help and support from the community he works in . Yet not once would I ask him where he studied . If we look at the bigger picture it’s a spelling mistake , it doesn’t mean I should tell him about my experience and how what I do matters . Would I message privately and critique either constructive or personal , yes .
Would I then spend the next few days bringing up his name in negative ways ?
Do you know that right now I don’t ever want to step foot into my local town centre . In trying to make a difference, I have never felt more alone and hated . I know it isn’t everyone who feel the same way but I suppose when something means so much to you it hurts far more . What’s funniest is that every single year I dread Christmas . I hate the songs that tell you it’s the most wonderful time of the year. How happy we should all be . How your whole family should join together and spend time together .
That’s not Christmas anymore . Not in this financial climate . Not when people all over the world are fighting to keep their homes . Not when families are climbing into trucks to try and get to countries who are not at war . Our elderly communities are unable to heat their homes . Our veterans are fighting for homes and medical support after fighting to keep our country safe . So much inequality . So many double standards .
I make mistakes , I always will but that is how we learn . Does that mean my name and reputation should be brought up in a social group ? Does that make what happened any easier for me to live with ?
I can tell you right now with absolute certainty NO . It does not matter that you think what you say is ok , it’s how it makes me feel .
Take a piece of paper and crumple it up , stand on it , crumple it again but be very careful you do not rip or tear it . Now open the piece of paper out again and try and justify what you said , how it is your opinion .
Your piece of paper feels just like me ?
No matter what you say or to who to justify why you said it , it hasn’t changed . You can still see the creases and lines and nothing you say can make that paper go back to the way it was !