I can’t cope anymore .
I feel like I am drowning and I can’t come up for air .
The last few months have been horrible and I didn’t write at the time as I don’t think I could have managed it . My problem is that I have a perfect idea of family in my head and mine isn’t like that .
I lost my Mum to cirrhosis of the Liver , she was a secret drinker and she drank to numb pain . My Dad is still with us and while he is amazing at so many things he doesn’t do feelings . I don’t think he has ever asked me if I am ok . He did when I was a kid but not when I have needed him . Then we come to my sister . We have never done the sister relationship, after the last few months I think I would be happy if I never saw her again .
I will explain . My sister believes I am a horrible person and a bad Mum . She makes comments that my Daughter misses out on everything and she doesn’t have a life . I am the eldest and I would sooner just go along and smile about something than have an argument or disagreement on the spot . She doesn’t think before she speaks or if she does then she really is a horrible person . When I passed my driving test she told me that I couldn’t have my niece in the car !!! When my niece was born we had her all the time , overnight stays or days when her Mum & Dad were at work . When I took ill she wouldn’t allow my niece to be around me as it wouldn’t be good for her . You get the picture, I’m sure .
Things have been ready to explode for a while and with being ill my family sat down to discuss 2 family weddings we have next year which would require over night stays . The first is York , so I am included in a group chat about the wedding and I bring up the idea of a minibus . After all we are all going the same place , people will be drinking surely it would be easier. This would allow me to go as I am the driver in my little family so to drive all that way with my illness and risk being too ill to drive home or attend the wedding is just too much for me . I crash after going the bathroom so big drive and then be sociable at a wedding just isn’t manageable. The second wedding is abroad and same thing , lots of travel , attend wedding . Attending a day & night wedding when your whole body hurts isn’t fun . Pain causes stress . Hubby gets stressed he can’t help me . Daughter gets stressed as she knows how bad it hurts me . So we decided that we would not attend either . We apologised to the Bride & Groom no problems there .
Problems start when I message my sister to tell her that we aren’t going and for her not to try and put pressure on our daughter to attend . I said it a little more blunt than that . Yet the response absolutely broke me and the repuccusions from it just made me see Red !!!!
This was the email I sent to my Dads side of the family after being admitted to hospital by Ambulance just 2 days after this whole debacle !!
Hi,
I write this to my whole family individually just in case any of you should wish to reply .
Last Friday I was rushed into hospital by ambulance after having 8 weeks of being unable to keep anything inside my stomach. I had a severe infection so until Wednesday I was kept on fluids and IV Paracetamol, morphine and Antibiotics.
Wednesday after much persuading from me my consultant let me out on complete bedrest and to come in for a full colonoscopy as an outpatient.
On good authority , I had it highlighted to me that I am being viewed as a joke and everyone is sick of me so I made the decision to delete my whole family ( my side ) from all social media .
Sending a message of apology to not attend my god daughters 18th birthday has broken my heart .
I am open on FB and on my blog because that’s me , I absolutely wear my heart on my sleeve .
While others boast about things they have done or share pictures of their perfect family life , my posts are absolutely what I am feeling at that moment in time .
If I have been up all night in pain obviously it’s not going to be a great day but I share that so other people with ME know that they are not the only one .
Some of the people I speak to most when I am in a lot of pain or feel crappy are people I have met through social media .
I can honestly say that without some people on this page and FB , I do not know how I would have got through some days .
That’s the beauty of social media , it gives people support . Not just your tea looks good or they are some killer heels , real life . Tough lives !!!
I absolutely do not know who is calling me a joke or who is sick of me so I have absolutely no choice , it is absolutely heartbreaking.
All week in hospital I thought about this and my god it hurts .
I don’t want a million friends or to be everyone’s best family member , I just want loyalty and to feel loved .
Right now I feel absolutely worthless!
Chances are this message will be viewed as another joke or be talked about in circles that speak of concern yet never ever contact me directly.
I know I should just forget all this but this is heartbreaking for me and if I didn’t care so much I probably could .
I leave this with you and wish you all the best .
That email had no alternative motive it was absolutely how I felt wrote down from the heart .
The message which started it all for me was from my Sister and it read that” I am being viewed as a joke and people are sick of me ”
I don’t understand this , here is why …. I have ME , I am bedbound 95% of the time . My days are spent in severe pain . I do not contact anyone for help . My IPhone is my life . I use social media as a support tool . A place to share how I feel in the hope that joe bloggs sitting reading it thinks I feel like that . I am going to put pressure on my GP to diagnose and therefore manage my pain levels or give support . I run a local FB support group . I don’t go out so I can’t really put every day ” woke up in lots of pain , going to fight a losing battle now to keep my eyes open ”
I try and raise awareness. Support others . Yet I know that what I post is talked about by people in the family . They do not call me to see if I am ok , they talk about me to each other . If a member of family is ill I call or message them to see if they are ok . I don’t talk about them . It’s not gossip . It’s not your place to judge . Bearing in mind these people do not call me or visit me . They don’t call my husband to see if we are managing ok or if we need something.
I think that I where I set myself up for a fall because I thought family was to care for each other .
In the last few weeks I deleted over 120 members of family or close friends of members of family . Guess how many got in touch ???
3 !!!!!
I believe that I am a horrible person who deserves everything that I get . I believe that because that is what I am told . I try to tell myself that I am nice and good company but how am I supposed to believe that .
I had lots of friends .
The people who are in my life now I truly love them . Maybe I should put that as my Facebook status every day . That along with remember you are a lovely person.